I started working at my job in January of this year and Marley and I were married in December of last. Both of these combined threw my life into a very different sphere. I've thought a lot lately about marriage. How marriage changes a relationship, the differences between Mormon/Eternal marriages & non-Mormon marriages. I was speaking with a co-worker several weeks ago about marriage. He is about 35ish and lives with his girlfriend who's about my age. They've been living together for about as long as Marley and I have & have known each other for only a few months longer. This got me thinking about how crazy it is to move in with someone you barely know & I can't understand why someone would do it. This also got me thinking about how some people instead of just moving in with each other after that long of time actually get married!! How crazy can these people be! Yet they are both equally happy with their lives. The craziest part of all to me is that more often than not, the people getting married after such a short time of knowing each other are the "Mormons".
Now, my friend at work who lives with his girlfriend says that she's the one, they are so in love, he's never going to find anyone better. This brought the question to my mind, then why not get married? His response was basically, "I don't know, I'm just not the marrying type, I've seen so many people live together, then they get married and it ruins everything." As far as I can tell, in relationships like these there is absolutely no difference between what they live & their relationship than what most people would consider a proper marriage relationship. So what is it about marriage that changes things and what is it that actually changes, and how does it change without notice? I was trying to ask Marley these things the other day and I think I just made him nervous. His response was that now we have so many more responsibilities & things to worry about. I thought this could be plausible so I quickly made a list of worries in my head:
Pre-marriage worries (for both of us):
- money
- wedding plans
- work/finding a job
- school/homework
- where will we live
- time together
- time with friends
- callings
- debts/payments
- staying righteous
- chores/errands
- family
Post-marriage worries:
- money
- work/finding a job
- school/homework
- where will Marley finish his Bachelor's/where will we live
- time together
- time with friends
- callings
- debts/payments
- chores/errands
- family/when should we have kids
- keeping the commandments
So, they are pretty much the same exact list. Shouldn't having someone to share the burden with make it easier instead of harder? That's how it was before we got married, at least for most things/most of the time. So what changed? I'm not saying that I'm not happy in my marriage or that I wish I could take it back. I wouldn't trade Marley for any man, not even Joaquin Phoenix (before he decided to break into the music business & stop shaving & washing his hair). I just honestly want to know.
I don't know, C. (Haha, have I ever called you C before?) For me, marriage hasn't made things harder. But then, I expected marriage to be really hard, and I have known really well some examples of really hard marriages, so I was preparing myself for the worst and got something wonderful instead. Jeff and I still fight and hurt each other's feelings etc., but that happened with regular boyfriends, too. The difference now is that I know that he will never break up with me or leave me or grow tired of me. And with boyfriends I never had that assurance. Now I know that divorce exists, but for Jeff and I it just really doesn't, and knowing that that possibility will never occur is really liberating and makes us both work harder and make life sweeter for each other. We consider each other as attached as we are to our siblings and parents. You can't tell your mother she's not your mother anymore, and that is how we recognize our relationships with each other. You wouldn't cut off your arm, and likewise we wouldn't get rid of each other. :) So, I think what has made marriage less stressful for us is how willing we have been to give up to a certain extent our individuality.
ReplyDeleteI am not giving this as a recipe for all marriages. I'm just saying what we have done. For example, I was recently going through my scrapbooking folders (things I've saved to eventually be scrapbooked). The tickets stubs of mine pre-Jeff were all plays, instrument concerts, dance performances, etc. The ticket stubs post-Jeff (with three exceptions) were all atheletically themed. Do I miss plays and concerts? Yes. Do I love Jeff more? Yes. And similarly, pre-Mimi, Jeff didn't really ever watch movies. Maybe like one a year if his friends were watching one and he didn't have anything better to do (like watch a sporting event on TV). Now, he offers to me, "hey is there a movie you want to see? You can go rent it, and I'll watch it with you." Does Jeff think 99% of movies are dumb and a waste of time? Yes. Does he like cuddling with me while I get to do something I enjoy? Yes.
And we do still have some hobbies we do separately, but we didn't keep all of them. Some of them were tossed along the side and replaced with ones we could share.
I agree that the stresses are the same pretty much before and after marriage.
I don't really have much of an answer for you though since it's such an individualized question, but it definitely is interesting (and often sad) to see how so many people in our culture view marriage.
In answer to something you wrote earlier, I don't think that marriage really changes things. I think that growing up in general does. Does that make sense? And whether you do it alone or together, you're going to have to grow up eventually. And marriage definitely should make it easier. And it can. :)
Hey! Mimi mentioned your blog to me, I'm so happy you're writing in it again! I'll have to think more about this, it's a pretty deep thought for the fact that I'm going to bed in just a few minutes!
ReplyDeleteHope you're doing well!!!