There are many things about my life I wish I could change. First and foremost being I'm not good at sleeping. I realize that this doesn't make sense to probably most people, but it's true. While most people just lay down at night, or any other time of day for that matter & fall asleep, this rarely happens for me. Even if, like now, I am severely tired, slightly sleep deprived, & it's almost 3 in the morning, I just can't manage to sleep. I know being on the computer doesn't really help, but I actually got on in an effort to help me sleep. I've kept a journal, barely, since I was approximately 14 I think. I write in it only a few times a year, if that. I also know that one of the proven methods for helping over active thinkers, like myself, is to write down a list or things you are worried about/you need to remember or do the next day, or write in a journal every night before bed. That way you don't need to continue worrying/thinking about all of the things in your life. For some reason even though I've done it before & it usually works, I cannot manage to make myself feel like it's a good idea on a daily basis. Well, today I decided to renew my interest in my blog, my blog on Xanga that is, but unfortunately I have absolutely no desire at this time to attempt to remember my password & after requesting my password be sent to me, it still hasn't arrived & I'm tired of waiting. This is fortunately no great loss, I probably don't have more than 10 posts on that thing & half of them are about my ex-boyfriend. Not something I would want to dwell on even if I weren't married to someone else. So, I decided to start anew, make a fresh start, on more things than one & make a new blog that I hopefully won't forget about in the morning.
First on my list of worries, as I mentioned before, is my inability to sleep very well. I remember even as a child I had nightmares, woke up excessively in the night, & took a long time to fall asleep. This has always affected me, but up until now I've been able to deal with it. I would probably still stubbornly insist that I just need to try harder to sleep if it weren't for the fact that it is affecting my ability to perform my job & worrying my husband so much. So, I have an appointment with a sleep doctor on the 24th. Hopefully this goes well & they can give me some advise that I will actually use.
Second on my list of worries is my health. I've never been overly concerned about it before but as a potential future mother it's been on my mind. I believe that fixing the sleep thing will go a long way to making me feel stronger & more capable of dealing with life on a physical & emotional level. But it won't fix the fact that I went to the dentist back in Dec. 2008 & was told I have 2 fillings that need fixing & also a cavity to top it off. Well, I never actually got any of those fixed. I was visiting my dentist in Richmond while I was in town for a few days & haven't had the money, until recently, to go to a dentist to get it fixed & haven't had the time or the inclination since then to find a dentist I would be willing to let loose in my mouth. I also have been having stomach pains off & on for the last couple months. I have no idea why & they don't seem to be linked with what I eat. Our theory is stress. To top it all off, about once a month I get violently nauseous. Our theory for that one is the birth control I'm taking. Unfortunately I'm too lazy/embarrassed/forgetful/nervous/busy/or possibly all of the above to actually speak to a professional about it. I guess only time will tell how that one turns out.
And now for my most recent worry...my nieces, nephew, & brother. I just found out earlier today that my brother & his wife are separating. Maybe it's just me, but I honestly never thought something like this would happen with any of my siblings. It's very strange to me, especially hearing about it on mother's day, to think that any woman would willingly walk away from her children for a year & be perfectly happy to go on her way without them, seemingly without thought for the emotional damage this would do to them. I realize that lots of people will be very upset with me for posting this, but luckily they are all asleep right now & have no say in the matter, furthermore I don't even know how soon it will be before anyone actually reads this thing. I am fully willing to admit I only have the barest of details right now, but even from the little I do know I know that if I were in the same position I could never seriously consider taking a job in another state away from my husband & children. Yes I know I don't actually have children, at least not ones that are on this earth yet. But even now, before they are born, every time my husband & I are faced with a choice I think, how will this impact our children down the road & how does it affect our ability to have children. Call me crazy, but I've just always been the mothering type.
